I’m trying this thing where I sit in silence for 30 minutes and write about it. If you’re curious about how the day before this went, click here.
Todayās 30 minutes of silence was kind of annoying. If I wasnāt thinking about writing about it every day just to document how it goes and because I think that will make it easier to make it a habit, I probably wouldnāt- Iām not sure itās really anything worth talking about. I did feel a little bit more well rested after the fact, but thatās probably due to my not getting great sleep last night so any time spent just sitting still with my eyes closed Iām sure was useful just for relaxing a little bit.
When I first sat down, I was really fidgety like how I was the first time I tried this. (I didnāt write about that time, but I tried this while I was in the bath and basically as soon as I put my phone on silent and put it down I got super fidgety. I ended up touching random imperfections on my body like the scar on my knee and spots Iāve missed shaving and overanalyzing them, and while I think I got some good thoughts out of it just in terms of seeing where my mind is at, how antsy I felt in the tub once the distraction of my phone was gone was worse than I would have expected.) So when I instantly started fidgeting today, I thought the same sort of thing was going to happen.
It did at first, but then I became really focused on not fidgeting. I wanted to actually see what my mind would do if I left it alone because the fidgeting I think is really no different than looking at my phone. Itās still a distraction for my mind, albeit a far less interesting one. I did manage to get myself to stop fidgeting and my mind started to wander, but I guess it just didnāt wander as deep as I would have liked.
I basically just thought about the general state of things; how weāre coming up on two months since everything shut down, and how in the beginning of all this we figured weād be working from home for two weeks and then things would start to go back to how they were. I envisioned going to a crowded grocery store the night the initial stay-at-home order was announced, back before masks were really even a thought and social distancing was hardly in the news. Then I thought about how much my job had changed, and how while Iām happy to still be working, everything Iām working on is totally different.
At this point my overall feeling was similar to a lucid dream. I was actively thinking of all these things, but at the same time it felt almost like I was an outsider watching the situation and being a little frustrated by it (which is something that often happens when I know Iām dreaming. Thereās this one recurring dream I have maybe every other month or so, and usually when it happens I canāt help but think, āThis again?ā while Iām going through the motions of what I know is going to happen in the dream because Iāve seen it all before.)
Iām sure the fact that I had that similar feeling swayed where my mind went next, but it really didnāt get much better. For some reason, I got really stuck thinking about how there are so many different theories and opinions about the virus and how I really just donāt have patience for the things that are completely and obviously wrong. My parents are a big problem with this, blindly believing everything they see on the news (and whatās worse itās usually Fox Newsā¦.) There have been instances throughout all of this where I try to explain some part of the situation to my mom, citing a variety of legitimate sources of information only for her to simultaneously respond with, āItās a new virus so they donāt know that though.ā I keep finding myself frustrated (in real life) with my parentsā apparent ability to all at the same time believe whatever they see on the news (and I think on Facebook if weāre being honest) while also telling me no one knows anything about it when I present them with actual facts.
I really wish my mind went somewhere else during my 30 minutes of silence, because Iām well aware that this is an issue with my parents as Iāve been living here throughout all of this so Iām hearing about whatever their opinions of the situation may be every day. What makes it more frustrating is that Iāll spend half of my workday sometimes listening in on webinars where Iām learning more about the virus and what the plans for recovery will be when itās safe to reopen only to stop working and be met with extremely uninformed quite frankly opinions from my family. Itās draining and I wish I didnāt have to spend so much time just thinking about the logistics of the situation. I know that itās good to be informed about whatās happening (clearly) but I donāt think itās doing anything for anyone to just think about it constantly, and sometimes when I get caught up in trying to educate my parents on it thatās what it feels like Iām doing.
I probably had about five minutes left at this point, and I got myself to snap out of all those thoughts but then it seemed like my mind just didnāt want to come up with anything else to replace them. I felt restless again and thought about things on my to-do list that I didnāt finish at work earlier, and how I wanted to go for a walk but itās probably too cold outside now- nothing of real substance, just the kind of things anyone would probably think about when sitting alone like that.
Even writing this out it almost feels more like a journal entry than what I really wanted to get out of doing this, but I guess thatās just going to happen sometimes. Iām totally new to doing this, but I assume itās like anything that some days youāre just not going to be in the right frame of mind for it and you may not get the āresultsā youāre looking for.
